Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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