Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
