Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
