Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
