i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
