Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
