I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
