I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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