I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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