you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
they're like a gay fantastic four
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
