your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
