there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
