I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
