I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
