I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
