Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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