Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just pee around me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize