she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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