I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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