I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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