alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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