wakey wakey hands off snakey
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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