shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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