She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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