my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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