My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
