i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
