Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
