If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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