I'm lost and stupid without you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
