So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
