I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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