flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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