Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
