she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
