i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
