Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
