Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
