i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
