Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
