I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
