One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
They have beer where we have blood.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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