Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
