i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
