I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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