They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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