Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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