I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
