Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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