he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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