Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
