I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
