Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
