Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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